Not So Typical Death Eater Meetings
by NeverStar
Summary: In which Voldemort changes his name and becomes high, Lucius reads L'Oreal magazines, Draco picks his nose, and Bellatrix listens to AC/DC. This is NOT your typical Death Eater meeting, no matter how crazy past meetings may have been. Completely random and rated T for dropping the F bomb. MULTIPLE CHAPTERS!
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Sup? So I wrote this randomly because I was bored. Basically what happens to the Death Eaters when Voldemort gets high/drunk. Cursing is in here for FUN not for abuse and iPods magically are made in the 1900s. Joy to the world! First attempt at humor._

_Disclaimer: Pffftttttt no._

* * *

Not So Typical Death Eater Meetings

* * *

The Death Eaters were waiting for Voldemort to show up and the meeting to start. But it got so boring that Draco started picking his nose, Bellatrix started twirling her hair and looking seductively at Snape, Lucius got out his _L'Oreal _Magazine and started reading hair tips, and Snape got so fed up with Bellatrix that he gave her the middle finger and mouthed, "Fuck you."

Bellatrix stupefied him for that.

Then all of a sudden, the door burst open and there stood Voldemort in a Karate Outfit holding a half drained beer bottle. "What's up, bitches?" He said casually looking at a certain blonde.

"M-my Lord…?" Lucius stumbled, immediately hiding his magazine under the table.

"DON'T CALL ME 'MY LORD' ANYMORE!"

"So sorry Voldemort – "

"I'm CHUCK FUCKING NORRIS!"

"Sorry Chuck Norris –"

"_Noooooo_ say it with me, idiot. CHUCK. FUCKING. NORRIS!"

"Chuck Fucking Norris."

"IN CAPS LOCK!"

Lucius just started at his master.

His master hexed him.

Draco kept picking his nose.

"Now, it has come to my attention that we need a new name for ourselves. I mean, _The Death Eaters -_seriously? Who came up with that lame name?" CHUCK FUCKING NORRIS said to his members.

Everyone looked at each other before Bellatrix answered, "You did."

"I did?"

"Yes…"

"Oh."

An awkward silence filled the room before the leader broke it. "Well, shame on me. But I have a new name that every witch and wizard and Muggle and sheep will fear!"

No one said anything.

CFN (his initials because the writer of this story is too lazy to write his name down) smiled and proclaimed, "_HOTPOCKETS!_"

Everybody started to cover their ears and scream.

"IT'S SO REVOLTING!" Rhodolphus screamed.

"RHODY SAVE ME!" His wife clung to him desperately.

He pushed her away in disgust. "You crazy bitch, you tried to hit on Severus!"

"He flipped me off!"

"HOTPOCKETS!" CFN shouted again, smiling broadly and causing another chorus of screams to go around.

"_Rhody save meeee! I'm sorry!" _Bellatrix sobbed.

"Only because you said sorry," Rhodolphus gave in. He then gave her his iPod to which she immediately put on rock music and blasted it. With the earphones in her ears.

Ouch.

Meanwhile, as Bella was finding her happy place with AC/DC music, Draco had stopped picking his boogers and proclaimed very loudly so CFN (who was now smoking _and_ drinking, what an addict) could hear: "My father will hear about this!"

But Lucius was too busy panicking about not the new name, but his _hair_ which his master had hexed. It was now hot pink and shaved in one part to say: _I love KITTEHS! _And Lucius being Lucius, he HATED kitties and misspelled words. With a passion. He also hated hot pink. Also with a passion. So he didn't really hear what CFN had said. "How will I ever get my hair to look fabulous again?" He cried clutching his beloved locks in one hand while the other held a mirror.

Snape was still knocked out on the floor.

"HOTPOCKETS assemble!" CHUCK FUCKING NORRIS called.

Groaning, all the members did and looked warily at their now high but not drunk master.

CFN held up his empty beer bottle. "This," he started, "is a unicorn!"

Rhodolphus put on his _Really?_ face.

"It's gonna be our mascot now!"

Rhodolphus changed his facial expression to _Seriously?_

"Andd wit des unicorn, I shall gain unlimited POWAH!"

Rhodolphus face palmed mentally. "And what power, exactly?" He asked CFN.

The leader just looked at him like he was the stupidest person that ever lived. "Duh, de ultimate POWAH to gain da bitches!"

"Not to defeat Harry Potter?"

"_I GOT NINE LIVES! CAT'S EYES!" _Bellatrix shouted randomly. Yes, she was still listening to the iPod.

CFN ignored her. "Hmm, guess dat'll be there too…"

Draco snickered. He knew how well this was going to play out.

There was a silence as the leader thought long and hard.

Bellatrix started dancing to the music in her ears.

Snape started becoming conscious.

Finally, CFN broke the silence by asking randomly, "Did someone steal my _Vogue_ Magazine?"

Rhodolphus, who was now mad at Snape for getting his wife's attention earlier, conjured up a _Vogue _Magazine in the Potion's Master's hand and declared, "There it is! In Severus's hand!"

"Wha…?" Snape asked drowsily now that he was somewhat fully conscious.

But he was stupefied again as CFN took the magazine from him.

"You may all leave now seeing dat de magazine I need is HE-AH!" CFN said. "Lucius shall stay and de-scuss de new hairstyles and fashions wif meh!"

Lucius looked very thrilled about that as everybody but him (and the unconscious Snape) left the room. "OHMIGOD HAVE YOU SEEN THE NEW HAIRSTYLES THIS SEASON?!" He practically screamed getting out his _L'Oreal _Magazine and pulling up a chair next to his leader.

They spent the rest of the day talking about beauty things and stupefying Snape whenever he became conscious.

It was very sad.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Hehe I'm back! Thanks for the reviews too. And cursing is for fun not abuse. And modern day songs are in the 1900's so DEAL WITH IT!

Disclaimer: No I don't own HP or any of the songs.

* * *

Chapter 2: Da Fuq Just Happened?

* * *

"_I SEE YOU DRIVIN' ROUND TOWN WITH THE GIRL I LOVE AND I'M LIKE, 'FUCK YOU!'" _ Rhodolphus sang at the top of his lungs.

Yes it was another mandatory Death Eater – er HOTPOCKETS! – Meeting and this time Voldemort – er CHUCK FUCKING NORRIS – had decreed that they all should have a singing competition. Starting with Rhodolphus and ending with Bellatrix. Duets were allowed and CFN (who was high, mind you) was the judge and you were not allowed to cheat, copy, or intervene. The winner was rewarded with a year's supply of Coke-A-Cola and/or Wine – depending on whether or not you were an adult or an alcoholic (*cough*CFN*cough*).

Rhodolphus's song was "FU" by Cee Lo Green and it was directed at Bellatrix and Severus; although it would be more effective if Bella actually got it and if Sev was actually there.

So when Rhodolphus was done, Bellatrix got up and clapped along with the rest of the people and yelled, "THAT'S MY HUSBAND!"

The wizard cringed.

"So now dat you haf finished de songg," CFN drawled from his throne, "I shall give you de point-SA! And you got's a -1,000!"

Rhody's jaw dropped to the floor. "Are. You. Shitting. Me?"

"Nope!" the "P" was popped. "Cuz den you would be allllll brown n nasty. And den weed haf ta clean you up. And ain't nobody got time fo' dat!"

Rhodolphus stalked off the makeshift stage with his eye twitching.

"IT'S SEVERUS'S TURN!" CFN yelled making his crown (yes he was wearing what a King in Medieval Times would wear) fall to one side.

Nobody moved.

"Vere is he?"

Nobody talked, knowing exactly where he was and what he was doing. The stalkers.

* * *

_Meanwhile…_

* * *

Snape sat on his couch making out with the portrait of Lily (which is really disgusting and disturbing...).

"HEY DON'T JUDGE!"

(…I secretly think he's mental…)

_**ANYWAY**_, a patronus of a snake appeared just then looking at him in disgust. "Severus, you son of a bitch, yer supposed ta be HE-AH at dis HOTPOCKETS! Meeting. Vere the fuck are you?" It said in CHUCK FUCKING NORRIS'S high voice.

"I'm – uh – busy?"

"Stop snoggin' de portrait n get yer ass o'er HE-AH! If ya ain't HE-AH in five minutes den you shall be executed." The snake disappeared.

Sighing, Snape put the picture aside and got up and flooed to Malfoy Manor.

* * *

"I'm here. What the bloody hell do you want from me?" He drawled when he entered the room.

"SEVVY POO!"Bellatrix shouted before tearing across the room and hugging him.

"Get the hell off of me woman! Da fuq is your problem?!"

Bella giggled. "I have no problem."

"Uh…" Snape started.

CFN interrupted him by yelling at him to get on the stage and sing.

So Sev got up and started singing a ballad about lilies. "How sweet they may seem," he started, "but they are poison…"

"HEY MOTHERFUCKER, GET OFF THE STAGE!" Rhodolphus screamed. He was bitched slapped by Bellatrix as a consequence.

When the Potion's Master was done, CFN judged him a 10. Outraged, Rhodolphus protested, "THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!"

He was stupefied by CFN as a consequence.

So the HOTPOCKETS! kept singing and when it got down to Bellatrix, CFN was starting to get bored. "Woman," he demanded, "entertain meh!"

"Of course," she answered while taking her place on stage. Bella than looked at Severus slyly and started singing, "_Hey there sugar baby, saw you twice at the pop show –"_

The Emo Guy had a look of pure horror on his face as she sang "Boys Boys Boys" by Lady Gaga to him.

"_Let's go see the Killers and make out in the bleachers –"_

"NOOOO!" He exclaimed.

"_I like you a lot, lot. Think you're really hot, hot."_

"OH HELL NO!"

When she was finally done, the Potion's Master swore that he was forever mentally scared by Bellatrix Lestrange. But CHUCK FUCKING NORRIS didn't think so, he thought that the song was directed at _him_ and gave a standing ovation to her. Then he said, "I give you 10,000,000,000,000!"

Bellatrix squealed and got so excited (or maybe that was simply an excuse?) because she jumped off the stage and ran to Snape and tugged him by the collar of his shirt and kissed him. On the mouth. Hard.

_What the-? _Severus thought, seriously confused.

"Not fair!" CFN whined stomping his scepter on the ground. "I wanna get kissed by a girl."

The women in the room made no move towards him.

"Boys?"

The men didn't either.

"So I'm Forever Alone?"

Nobody answered him.

CFN ran out of the room crying like a hormonal teenage girl.

Everyone cheered.

Well almost everyone, Bella was still snogging Snape so she didn't notice. And Rhody was knocked out on the floor.

Figures.


End file.
